dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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