dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
