I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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