if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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