Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
