i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
