The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
