The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
