Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
