I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
