new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Two words: nipple clamps
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