I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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