i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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