she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
