If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
