i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
