Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
