Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
