I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
