Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
