I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Someone came in the potted fern
Come share oat with me in your robe
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
