Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He? As in you personified your dick?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
