the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
