Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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