grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Randomize
