she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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