oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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