I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
