Don't make out with my wife yet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
