He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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