I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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