after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
