i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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