I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize