So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I need to sanitize my soul.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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