i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize