she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize