All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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