The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize