yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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