Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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