I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
