go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize