She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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