Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
