I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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