the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize