Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
