We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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