he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
