I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize