My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
