I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
