I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
