Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
