It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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