I got chris browned last night
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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