sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
