so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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