This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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