john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think your dad took our porno
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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