my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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