New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
