Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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