What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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