Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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