hotel room ftw
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
