can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
