Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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