...so i touched it.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
