my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
